If you're in a good mood don't read this it'll ruin it.

Can't fucking sleep
Couldn't sleep last night either. yes I do have things on my mind but it's not them keeping me up.
no it's not the fact that I only got a blurry vision of my future, that I don't know where I will be two months from now, that I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, that I know that I'm not going to end up where my mother wants me to be, and that I don't know if I'll do something good enough, to give back to my parents, for all they have done. and all of that is fucking scary.
It's neither the fact that I live in an unsafe place where in the space of 24 hours there have been two grenade attacks. well it's not only this place that isn't safe, it's the whole freaking world, and I'm scared. I'm scared to death of... death. I do have so much to do, to say and live. and no I don't want to do it in the standard way we all see in movies. I'm sitting on this cold desk chair, no pants, no bra, boiling hot, and it's raining outside. yea it's called global warming. It scares me that I might not be able to do something, to make a difference and yea fucking change the world. I have to aim that high, it's how it works for me, and no I will not be disappointed in myself if I don't achieve that. and why am I even explaining myself to you? anyway, yes I did just get out of bed to get all that carp out of my head. its midnight, and I have class in exactly 9 hours. Almost every night I feel lonely, then my soul mate comes in, we laugh, talk, fight and share things, and I feel better. and also worse, about many of my other relationships. some of thm are just empty and meaningless, and everynight, I tell myself that I can't be arsed to put any more effort into them, I seriously can't be bothered to say hi in the morning, or make small talk, or wish them a happy birthday on facebook. but every next morning, I start caring again, I don't know if it's because I was brought up that way or just gotten used to it. not that I'mnot nice or anything, I just chose who I am nice to. like this post for example. I 'm not gonna be nice to it and I'm not going to read it again, not going to spell some words correctly and not even going to write it in proper english. just because I couldn't be arsed. arsed isn't even a real word. fuck me, and fuck you, and fuck the world.